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This season we will be interviewing the players and every couple of weeks will publish a typical day in their life according to them. if you have a particular player you would like to see featured, please email me with details. A Day In The Life Of............... #8 - Gary Hammond
7.00AM
I’m
surrounded by nubile young ladies....”Gary.....Gary.......you’re such a great
manager and club secretary and now we’re going to have a group orgy wearing
nothing but claret and blue body paint and” ....BZZZZZZ, I’m rudely awakened
from my usual Harold Wood FC related dreams by the alarm clock. I get up and
walk in to the cupboard before Sarah guides me in to the bathroom.
8.00AM
I take off
my claret and blue PJ’s, then wash the bits I can reach before donning my claret
and blue Y-Fronts, a suit and claret and blue tie. I get the bus to Vange
station, its over 100 yards away – too far to walk.
9.00AM
Get to work
at Harold Wood FC, sorry, RBS (it’s easy to forget). I answer all my emails to
the league committee, check the EOFL website and grab a quick breakfast of 57
pancakes and side of bacon.
10.00AM
Pop in to the opticians to pick my new glasses up, and spend half an hour
chatting the receptionist up, before I realise I’ve been talking to the coat
stand. Anyway, find out they’re not ready yet as NASA haven’t sent over the
industrial 18 inch thick glass they use for the space shuttle windows.
11.00AM
Phone Pele
to discuss Harold Wood related issues for the day, he tells me in addition to
designing the clubhouse, the new club badge, the new kit and the training kit,
he’s whipped up a prototype for a new HWAFC thong, I’m just the man to model it
– I can’t wait.
12.00AM
My brother Lee rings to tell me he needs to take 6 of my
players for Saturday, as they have a Denny King Memorial Cup match, prelim round
before 1st round proper. He says he needs a squad of 19 and refuses
to give me any players. I remind him I have won 2 trophies with the reserves
already and ring Mum & Dad to tell them about it and get them to resolve the
situation,
but seems Lee has
already run all the way home to them crying again, like he used to when we had
snowball fights as kids.
2.00PM
E-mail the
boys whilst tucking into a my 6th Extra Value Meal of the day from Liverpool
Street McDonalds. Ask them if they’d like any of my discount football shirts –
any team you like, £35.
3.00PM
Find out
that the shirts are only available in 7XL, the discount is the reduction for
disability living allowance for the obese. I can’t think why the bloke thought
I’d like one in that size, I’m a 30 waist, easy.
4.00PM
I get a little worried as rumour has it LeeVan is coming back over the club – if
true I will have to get Gary V to protect me and my brother in case he duffs us
up again, like he did over Rayleigh Town (whilst beating the world record for
hacky sacky keepy ups at the same time).
5.00PM
Get a call from
Reevo
to see if I fancy a few beers after work. I reluctantly decline the offer,
especially as it seems my drinks are mysteriously being spiked whenever I go out
recently and making me fall asleep and puke in public places.
Thing is I can normally hold my drinks so well (despite my small fingers).
6.00PM
Get the bus
home from work for a change. Get bit bored, so try to get everyone
singing, “If you/re happy and you know it....”. Dying for a pee, so decide to go
in a bottle....unfortunately I’m a bit shy in public so it takes me half an hour
by which time we’re home.
7.00PM
Dinner time
great,
Indian
takeaway tonight, set meal for 4….that's
just
my
starters. Nip down to Bas Vegas leisure centre for a
FATBURGER
for desserts.
I cant wait to compare my belly size to Gibbo and Joey Tungate on Saturday, I
think I am almost the same size now, although Little V is catching me fast.
8.00PM
Settle down
to watch a DVD of “It Ain’t Half Hot Mum”. You can’t help but admire Don Estelle
– what an all round entertainer. Singer, actor and all-round, just like me.
9.00PM
Call Wayne, to go through the team selection for Saturday.
He says he is busy on the PlayStation – ProEvaloution Soccer Night at the Farm -
he is playing Jordan in the Champions League final, after beating Perry in the
semis, Peaches in the quarters and Moods in the 4th round. Personally
I preferred
Soccer
games
on my old
Atari
10.00PM
Go to bed in my Extra-double-super-king-sized-bed and have
to throw Sarah out as I have taken up all the room on the mattress.
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